Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar