@Bunnydurden

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

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@CCRuns

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

@Magoosback

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@Writethatdown12

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

@drubicabra

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

@TheNardvark

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

@Shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.