Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”