Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security


When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.


Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.


Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.