Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.