A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.