Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘