If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.