My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
What kind of a cult is this?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.