SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁