SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah