Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
😆this is so true
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.