Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
this is one of the best threads in twitter history