Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.