When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.