An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
There’s always that one guy
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Do not levitate over flowers
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*