My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside