Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
You Might Also Like
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Finally! 😈
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it