Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.