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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.