Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?


[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”


DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.


Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.


As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.