Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.