Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…