
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I hate when that happens.