[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
This is enough internet for the day.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Yes, but it was never about money
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump