3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
You Might Also Like
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”