Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register