Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason