My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.