[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
They say women only use 10% of their anger