So we got a goldfish…
You Might Also Like
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.