A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.