How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”