All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you