It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You Might Also Like
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.