My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?