At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.


“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*


Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.


I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…


Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work


Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away


“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms


Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?