At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
wishing you and yours all the best
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate