@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

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@simoncholland

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@dogfather

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@OFalafel

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

@ilovepie84

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

@weinerdog4life

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?