*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
You Might Also Like
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there