Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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How to woo a woman
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Nose
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.