Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly