No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Liquor Store Parking
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.