sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
You Might Also Like
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
You saw nothing. I am ham.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.