I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m good, thanks.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I have questions??
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,