My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You Might Also Like
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My work here is don’t.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it