Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
You Might Also Like
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Botany good plants lately?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.