I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?