6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.