(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You Might Also Like
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I’m having an out of money experience.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
A French press is when you hug naked
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush