I’m having an out of money experience.
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
listen closely