What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?