If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.