If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
#damn
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.