WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???