Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I came this close!!!!
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.