I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
why would tinder want me to say this
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
At least my masseuse has my back.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..