Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded