THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
got so much cardio in today
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Owl Sanctuary
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.