Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
New menu item
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”